For better or for worse, dating and marriage in the United States has been transformed since the early twentieth century, especially from the sixties onward. Statistically speaking, 46 percent of marriages ended in divorce just this past year. Many scholars say this trend is indicative of a shift in the cultural meaning of marriage. Whereas Americans once experienced it in institutional terms, as a business or contractual partnership, marriage has become more personal – a status acquired to achieve romantic and familial happiness. Gone are the days when love, even elementary affection, were considered secondary and frivolous aspects of a union. While this is certainly a good thing, modernity has made the search for unadulterated love is an uphill battle.
Although it is debated whether the regression of the institution of marriage is positive or negative, we can consider the high rate of divorce and evaluate the moral consequences of its deconstruction from a Christian standpoint. People desirous of ending their marriages, for whatever reasons, may be subject to disapproval among their religious community. In particular, the Catholic faith does not promote divorce or casually condone the dissolution of a marriage.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church affirms that “Divorce is a grave offense against the natural law. It claims to break the contract, to which the spouses freely consented, to live with each other till death. Divorce does injury to the covenant of salvation, of which sacramental marriage is the sign. Contracting a new union, even if it is recognized by civil law, adds to the gravity of the rupture: the remarried spouse is then in a situation of public and permanent adultery” (CCC 2384). The Catechism continues, calling divorce a “plague on society.”
Although the Catechism’s remarks are very interesting on a philosophical level, the points lengthily discussed feel detached, failing to point out specific, firsthand experiences of many Catholic families. I propose a shift in focus away from rigid moral mentality and towards a more general focus on clemency and grace. Among severe polarization in society, especially in terms of politics and spirituality, the Catholic Church should send a message of mercy as an invitation for Catholics to adopt an attitude of compassion towards those with differing circumstances.
As such, I believe that divorce can occasionally have a moral place in modernity. Here’s a true anecdote as a means to provide further contemplation. A close family friend – let’s call her Brielle – got married at age thirty-two. The man professed to be religious and supportive of her family and career goals but eventually turned out to be deceptive, dipsomaniac, and abusive. Brielle is currently going through an agonizing divorce. She and her two children are suffering emotionally, financially, and spiritually during this difficult time, even though divorce seems to be the best and morally decent option for their ultimate well-being and physical safety.
Brielle is not alone. Although Catholics experience divorce less than non-religious people, they still see it in their lives and families. Almost everyone reading this article has been impacted by divorce, either personally or indirectly through a loved one. In fact, a quarter of Catholic adults had a divorce, and nine percent remarried. And according to Georgetown University’s Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate, Catholic marriages have declined approximately sixty-nine percent over the last fifty years, despite the Catholic population growing to twenty-one million in 2022. Therefore, it is beyond question that the sacrament of holy matrimony is in freefall.
It is most certain that the Catholic Church could prevent the regression of Catholic marriage, at least in some part. The premarital counseling offered by the Faith, known as Pre-Cana, is woefully deficient. At least in Brielle’s case, there was no discussion of the warning signs of domestic abuse, many of which existed before her marriage. Further, there was no discussion of what would make a marriage valid or invalid. In fact, her Pre-Cana experience was centered around comically irrelevant and uselessly abstract lessons. Granted, when an engaged and in love couple prepares for their forthcoming marriage, they are not considering what makes their marriage viable for annulment. However, many things can occur during a marriage that may never be anticipated. For instance, now that Brielle is preparing for a divorce and eventual annulment, she has a much clearer understanding of the Catholic definition of marriage than she ever did as part of her marital preparation with her parish priest. That is to say that not all Catholic premarital counseling is identical to Brielle’s experience, but I believe there must be a consistent and comprehensive curriculum. Every Catholic diocese should think about how they can be a part of the effort to reduce divorce by discussing impediments to marriage success.
All in all, Catholics are called to a higher standard of marriage than members of secular culture. Tertullian, the Father of Latin Theology, wrote it best: “How beautiful is the marriage of two Christians, two who are one in hope, one in desire, one in the way of life they follow, one in the religion they practice… Nothing divides them, either in flesh or spirit… Side by side they visit God’s Church and partake of God’s Banquet; side by side they face difficulties and persecution, share their consolations… To such as these He gives His peace.” It is only within marriage that sexual love and formalized commitment can contribute to the divine goodness of the couple, the eventual formation of a family unit, and the common good. We must rejoice in this fact and embrace Jesus’ insistence on the beatific elevation and sanctity of holy matrimony.
Nevertheless, while the Church’s unbroken teaching on marriage protects the family and the order of creation, it is necessary to consider the various extenuating circumstances that may lead to divorce. Overt violence and parental psychopathology can crumble a family unit and be pervasively disastrous to both the couple and their children. When a marriage is destroyed by abuse, addiction, and psychological wounds, even the supposed lifeblood of humanity – that is, the healing attributes of matrimony – can lead to a pervasively toxic conjugal union.
Therefore, the Catholic Church has a special obligation to teach and defend these often unfamiliar and rejected truths about the intricacy of marriage. What’s more, they must do their best to identify potentially harmful warning signs and prevent unsuited unions in the first place. As Catholics, we each have a distinct responsibility to combat the broader cultural crisis of dating and adopt a more traditional and intentional approach towards dating and marriage, so we can love more fully and completely. Our God is a God of relationship. Therefore, it is essential that the Church prepares young people for marriage success and educates them on how to live the faith through marital union. As Saint John Paul II once expressed, “the person who does not decide to love forever will find it very difficult to really love for even one day.” This profound affirmation holds especially true in today’s increasingly complex dating and marriage landscape.