Sweet Tea is Racist (Satire)

It is undeniable that the American South has a brutal history hot with the heat of racism and bigotry.  From slavery, to Black codes, to Jim Crow, to the modern Republican Party, the South has never treated persons of color with compassion or respect.  This racism is in the roots of Southern culture, and in order to free the oppressed South, we must destroy Southern culture.

Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (Member of the Democratic Party, representing the State of New York’s Fourteenth Congressional District) said that Southern states “are not red states, but oppressed states.”  This means that it is up to enlightened Northerners to educate the South on what tolerance and love is.

In order to do this, Northerners must free Southerners from their intolerant culture since it is this culture that has created and bred racism for hundreds of years.  This means that Southern culture, from its food, to music, to traditional dances, to accents, to common phrases, must be purged from American society.

Let’s start with food.  Any food originating from the South is a constant bad taste in the mouths of persons of color, reminding them of the oppressive history and culture of the South.  That means that sweet tea, corn bread, banana pudding, hush puppies, shrimp, gumbo, jambalaya, fried chicken, collard greens, any and all bar-b-que, baked beans, anything made with Tennessee whiskey or Kentucky bourbon, grits, all cobbler, ribs, fried green tomatoes, red beans and rice, étouffée, and potato salad must be banned forever.  Also, any seasonings that originate from the South, like Tony’s, as well as brands, like Tabasco, Moon Pies, Blue Bell Ice Cream, Coca-Cola, and Zatarain’s Rice, must go as well.  It may sound trivial, but it’s for the good of society.  

The crusade against Southern food doesn’t stop there, though.  Some of it has successfully crossed the Mason-Dixon line to even here in Massachusetts!  The most jarring example of this is sweet tea.  Fast food chains like McDonald’s and Chick-Fil-A carry sweet tea, even in the North!  This means that McDonald’s and Chick-Fil-A are complicit in racism.  We have to boycott McDonald’s and Chick-Fil-A until they permanently abandon sweet tea and the racism it represents.  Don’t even get me started on Cracker Barrel…

Next is the plethora of Southern musical genres, all of which are founded in inequality and racism.  Country, ragtime, bluegrass, blues, jazz, contemporary Ch****ian, and Gos**l music must be banned.  Even though many of these musical genres are led by famous members of the BIPOC community, these genres were still founded in a place swamped with racism and are not immune from Southern whiteness.  Many of these genres were appropriated by Southern whites to make money off of BIPOC artists, and to combat this, we must end the genres altogether.  Songs like “Maple Leaf Rag,” “Rocky Top,” “Jackson,” “Uptown Funk,” “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” “Old Town Road,” “House of the Rising Sun,” and many more must all be done away with due to their Southern roots and references.  

The next disgusting part of Southern culture is traditional dance, especially the square dance.  Squares are representative of white supremacy, and it is a reminder of the oppressive and toxic cowboy complex as well as toxic masculinity in general.  The square dance came about under the racist and patriarchal system of the South and forces gender roles upon everyone, making it non-inclusive.  We must end the square dance!

Next is the Southern accent.  Any Southern accent reminds everyone of the South’s racist past since they all stem from the ant******m age.  Whether it is from Appalachia, the Deep South, Louisiana, or the Piedmont, any Southern accent must be stamped out for the good of society.  Therefore, the federal government should subject all people with a Southern accent to proper American speech training.

This would include training in standard American English, the Boston accent, the New York accent, the Philadelphia accent, the Midwestern accents, and the West Coast accent.  All Southerners must choose one of these acceptable accents.  If any Southerner refuses to suppress their accent, they must be ostracized from society until they cave to peer pressure.  For instance, if a Southern student comes to the North, everyone must treat them like they are stupid, ignorant, and racist until they conform to the normal American accent.  This is called “accent positivity training.”

The last thing to eliminate is synonymous with the Southern accent.  They are common Southern phrases and sayings.  The worst of these phrases is “the Devil is beating his wife.”  Apparently said when it is sunny but raining, this saying promotes toxic masculinity and also promotes racism since Ch****ianity has been used to justify racism in the South so many times in the past.  

Here is a chart showing alternatives to these racism-complicit words and phrases:

All in all, all Southern culture must be stamped out in order to have an inclusive and safe environment.  This will protect all of us from injustices like sweet tea and hurtful phrases like “Bless your heart!”  If you disagree with these instructions, you are also complicit in the South’s continued barbaric and racist ways, and you too must be cleansed and educated on the right way to eat, dance, sing, and speak.

Meatfree Monday in Kimball: Proof of Actual Demonic Activity on Campus

People don’t like to talk about demons. They think it’ll make them sound crazy, or worse, religious. And yet Holy Cross has some rather odd ties to the demonic. For one, there’s the rampant rumor that an exorcism happened on campus. This claim would seem absurd if it weren’t for the locked room in O’Kane that everyone calls “The Exorcism Room”, and the Jesuits’ historic ties to exorcisms. To thicken the plot, Dinand Archives set up a special Halloween display with a crucifix and a book in Latin—sure signs that something suspicious is afoot—while implying that there may or may not be a section of the archives devoted entirely to exorcisms. Spooky. Nonetheless, since no one seems willing to confirm or deny whether or not an exorcism actually took place, it all seems like a dead end. But now, for better or worse, students can divert their attention away from the Exorcism Room because there is new evidence of demonic activity on campus: Meatfree Monday in Kimball.

In response to a rather unsurprising U.N. statement warning the world about imminent environmental catastrophes, the Student Government Association (SGA) teamed up with Dining Services to try to help the environment by reducing meat consumption. The result was the decision to create Meatfree Monday; on Monday, October 29th, they removed all the meat from Kimball and served only vegetarian options. To give more weight to the whole thing, SGA also referenced Laudato Si, Pope Francis’ encyclical that warns about the dangers of climate change. (As a side note, I’m still waiting for SGA to send an email about the dangers of Pelagianism, which Pope Francis warns about extensively in his newest encyclical, Gaudete et Exultate.)

At the same time, it isn’t initially clear how not eating meat will prevent the world from lighting on fire. After all, signs in Kimball pointed out that animal waste was creating a serious environmental impact. But logically, it seems like the best way to get a cow to stop defecating is to eat the cow. Vegetarianism, on the other hand, would just mean that the cows would live longer, poop more, and make more cow babies, and as a result, the world would burn faster. Meatfree Monday, then, makes no sense. But is it going too far to call it demonic? Perhaps not.  

Recognizing that real demonology was above my paygrade, I reached out to James Dooley, a junior at the College, who once took a class on demons. (In all honesty, James wasn’t my first choice, but since no exorcist would return my emails, he’ll have to do.) When asked whether demonic influence was involved in the Meatfree Monday incident, James nodded. “I’m really of the opinion that most carbs are a gateway to pure evil,” said Dooley. “Meatfree Monday just means more carbs.” James also pointed out rather astutely that salt is often used to scare demons away, and meat is often salty. “It really could just be a ploy to limit the amount of salt so more demons can get in,” James said, noting that with less salt and more demons, the school could be exposed to even more horror, like entire weeks of vegetarianism. Extra spooky. To James’s first point, Kimball’s vegetarian substitutes were a little odd, albeit sometimes delicious. One student, who commented anonymously, said, “Meatfree Monday? More like Cheese Monday?” The student noted that almost all the meat was replaced by dairy products, like grilled cheese, cheese quesadillas, and cheese lasagna. Given the high percentage of adults who cannot process dairy, this seems problematic, both for students and for the maintenance people who clean bathrooms on campus.

Seth Sullivan, a sophomore, also thought that demons were somehow involved. “I’m not entirely sure how,” he said, pointing out that he was actually an atheist. “But hey, you don’t have to believe in God to know when something really messed up is going on. I think demons may be a logical explanation.”  

That makes me uneasy. Now, once again, it may not be air-tight proof that actual demons are lurking in Kimball, but if even an atheist can recognize that the devil is involved… that isn’t good. Looking for more evidence, I turned to God. It makes sense: if God is somehow supportive of Meatfree Monday, then it can’t be demonic. Now, it was hard to find a definite statement for God. At least Biblically, God was pro-meat. St. Paul told the Romans that, “One person’s faith allows them to eat anything, but another, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables” (Romans 14:2). That’s not looking so hot for Meatfree Monday. But if that wasn’t enough, I started to think logically. God gave us opposable thumbs (which are somehow part of hunting). He also gave us teeth, and He made bacon delicious. Now I’m not a math major, but this seems simple: thumbs + teeth + delicious bacon = God wants us to eat meat. In fact, one could go so far as to say that not eating meat is a form of ingratitude, since we are not using the meat-eating skills God gave us. And since St. Ignatius, the founder of the Jesuits, considered ingratitude the root of all sin, vegetarianism could properly be viewed as a gateway sin. “First you’re not eating meat,” said a Jesuit who asked to remain anonymous. “Next thing you know, you’re blowing up orphanages.”

Definitely demonic.

All of this points to something super spooky. Hopefully, administration will take the right steps, contact the proper authorities, and end this nonsense once and for all.

Catholic Rite of Catholic Lite

In a shocking turn of events, the Vatican has released a new encyclical that will “fit our modern times.” As the Church faces a time of crisis, it seems as if more and more people are turning away from Catholicism in response to unanswered questions from their clerical leadership. In order to address these questions, the Vatican has decided to avoid controversy by refusing to initiate any dedicated discussions on the topic. Instead, the minds of the Holy See have released Tempus Boomerorum, a brand-new, full-length document that confronts the current trends of modernity.

 Many proponents of the encyclical are lovingly referring to the document as “Catholicism Lite.” One Vatican official added, “We call this Catholicism Lite because sometimes tradition is hard to uphold. We’re in a very fast-paced time, and it’s up to us to meet that pace. At the same time, through Tempus Boomerorum, we can appeal to many of the lost sheep and be the “lite” to bring them back. It’s a very fitting name.” Inside the encyclical, we find encouragements from papal authority to reduce all the difficult aspects of Mass, such as kneeling, being silent, and paying attention. The specifics are clear: the Church wants to work with us and base itself on our example rather than thousands of years of tradition.

The press release indicated that Tempus Boomerorum will address several Mass-related issues. Mass attendants will be encouraged to keep their phones on and with them at all times. One congregant stated, “I’m glad I can finally feel guiltless about when my phone rings during Mass. Sure, it’s usually just my friends inviting me over to watch football, but it could be something serious.” As we can see through the above example, sometimes we have to give people the benefit of the doubt; they might be attending to important matters rather than mindlessly browsing social media. The encyclical also encourages congregants to wear shorts and sandals into Mass. The Vatican wants to encourage comfort – not a hot, unfocused congregation – when commemorating Jesus Christ’s suffering and dying for our sins. A parishioner at St. Thomas Aquinas Church told reporters, “I mean, I never saw the problem with wearing sandals at Mass. Jesus wore them, right?” The encouragement to bear more skin seems like a net-positive for Church attendance. Dress codes are, after all, the most significant factor in most people’s Mass attendance.

Tempus Boomerorum is a groundbreaking encyclical because it adds another optional Mass that the celebrant may offer. The “Lite Mass” is one that can fit the pace of society. Each Mass has a maximum run time of 30 minutes; while God only asks for one day a week, that time can always be repaid later on in the future. The celebrant is also encouraged to offer Mass from the pews with the laity as a way to involve everyone in the proceedings. While ad orientem Masses may seem “hip,” they exclude the people in attendance, who are the backbone of the Mass itself. At the same time, versus populum may seem like a happy medium, but for the Lite Mass, it just isn’t enough. The rest of the Mass remains the same, but the attendees are also encouraged to join in holding hands for the music. The music will also feature the “instruments of the people,” the guitar and piano, rather than the exclusionary organ and choir. At St. Cecilia’s in New York City, a parishioner added, “Well, the organ is nice and all, but if I can’t see the person playing the instrument, what’s the point? I want to feel involved rather than excluded.” The proponents of this encyclical are willing to abandon outdated, traditional liturgical music for a more relatable soft-rock atmosphere.

 Perhaps the most lauded piece of Tempus Boomerorum is the 100 page warning against global warming: an absolute must for this update to the Church. Vatican officials wanted global warming to be the focus of the encyclical, despite commotion from detractors that “wanted to focus on Church-based issues rather than political debates.” The response to these detractions was to include another 50 pages that were loosely related to Church issues, but were sure to mention the importance of separating trash and recyclables. “Our Earth is ours for future generations, and we are called to be stewards of creation”, stated one Vatican official. While it seems like no one was criticizing the statements about respecting our environment, the inclusion came at an interesting time of deflection (or, rather, reflection) in the Church.

The greatness of this document will shine for generations. Each Youth Synod will be allowed to make alterations to the document, which is a novel idea to the eternal Church. As the youth are the next to take charge of the Church, officials felt that their input on the encyclical will begin a new bridge between two out-of-touch generations. One staple of each Youth Synod is the inclusion of a suggestions box for how the Church may improve. The youth in attendance are encouraged to write down their suggestion on a notecard or tweet with #MyModernChurch to @Pontifex. The very nature of this document being open for changes is a sign that the Church is going in the right direction. In such open-ended and free responses, there had to be some restrictions. For example, the Minister for the Youth noted, “The youth think they’re humorous in writing their responses in Latin, but frankly, the Latin language isn’t very inclusive for most of the world. Please write your response in the vernacular. The Minister of Vernacular Languages added, “I’m glad to announce that our Catholic Church has received suggestions in over 60 languages, and am looking forward to appointing a committee to go through each response in their native tongue.” Truly the Church can say to its critics, “we’re keeping up with the world, so how about that?”

Tempus Boomerorum is sure to be the stepping stone for a Third Vatican Council. One can only hope that the Church can better fit with the world governments today and make the necessary changes to exist in the 21st century. As we await the positive outcomes of this encyclical, rather than addressing the negatives, we hope to be able to stay in touch with Vatican officials in order to see a new, tolerant, and truly universal Catholic Church. 

An Urban Legend of Holy Cross

A conversation overheard at Crossroads, 9/15/2018, 11:47 P.M.

Student 1: “Last time, I’m pretty sure they trapped a Dominican friar and then released him inside Campion house. I’m pretty sure it’s true, too.”

Student 2: “I’d believe it. Kind of like the Exorcism Room.”

S1: “Yeah, initially it was like a ghost story. Everyone heard sounds in the walls as the Dominican scurried about, but they dismissed that as the pipes or the house settling. The chaplains thought it might’ve even been a squirrel on the roof collecting acorns or a mouse chewing on wires. The building’s pretty old – early 1900s, I think, and it actually used to house Jesuit priests for a while. Mice wouldn’t be out of place, right? But anyway, next they noticed additional St. Thomas Aquinas icons lying about, and the cookies kept disappearing.”

S2: “A shame. Those are good cookies.”

S1: “Oh, but that’s just where it started. There were reports of a figure in all-white – a ghost, perhaps – talking about existence and essence, synthesizing faith and reason so well that it terrified the students greatly.”

S2: “That really does sound terrifying. I thought faith and reason were completely separate entities.”

S1: “That’s what most people seemed to think, so the students reported their fears to the chaplains. The chaplains, hearing that report, assembled and came clean to each other about some of their own paranormal experiences. One mentioned that he went back to his office and found that his decorative Summa Theologica was open, while another chaplain explained that when he was having lunch, his Twitter had been used to correct James Martin.”

S2: “James Martin, S.J.? Bold move.”

S1: “Eventually they mustered up the courage and headed into the attic to investigate. As the story goes, they saw the form of a man in all-white speaking in some demonic tongues (and I took Latin 101 last semester – looks like those were actually prayers). They all screamed ‘ghost!’, but then they remembered that the supernatural doesn’t exist. They thought back on all their experiences: the Aquinas icons, the open Summa, Jesuit fights on Twitter, synthesis of faith and reason so well that students were converting at a rate much higher than the 15-person RCIA cap, the Salve Regina being sung from the ceiling, and they realized that it must be a Dominican.”

S2: *visibly shudders.* “I’m glad I wasn’t there. Anything that serious would’ve freaked me out.”

S1: “It got even spookier, though. At every theological error, the Dominican would pop out of the floorboards or descend from the ceiling to make a correction. The chaplains tried to catch him with bear traps and theological books from Dinand, but they weren’t in the original Latin, so he wasn’t interested. Apparently, they even tried to lure him out of the attic with a prostitute.”

S2: “That doesn’t sound very Jesuitical.”

S1: “Well, this is all hearsay anyway. He chased her away with a fire poker, as the story goes, although I’m not sure where he got the hot poker. He then collapsed on his knees, receiving a chord from an angel and growing in power.”

S2: “But I’ve been in Campion – how come I haven’t seen him? After all that, did the chaplains finally manage to get him out?”

S1: “I’m not sure. He got pretty heavy from the cookies, at least, so that might’ve been his undoing. Maybe he headed up to Ciampi, the new Jesuit residence. I’ve never been up there, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s been sneaking in and out of their hallways. In fact, I don’t even know if Ciampi has hallways. I’ve never gotten so close as to see in a window.”

S2: “That friar is probably still creeping around here somewhere. I get the feeling, somehow, that he hasn’t left – that he watches, disapprovingly, from afar.”

S1: “Who knows. Let’s get our pizza, though, before Croads closes. At least that isn’t a theological error.”

Sincere Tips for Study Abroad

Next September, the class of 2020 will head to their various overseas destinations, while the class of 2021 will begin the process of applying for Study Abroad.  As a veteran of the College’s study abroad program, I thought I’d offer a few tips about how to make the best of the experience. They are, I hasten to add, absolutely sincere.  I’ll be as truthful as a Huffpo “news” article.

First, go for a year. The College does not have enough space for you here because we have to build more athletic facilities, so you really have a duty to get off campus. If you miss the Hill, be sure to keep in touch by sending in your tuition payments promptly.  For interior decorating, you could keep the form from the Bursar Office and hang it up with some pictures of your Holy Cross family, to show your friends all the wonderful things that are waiting for you in the U.S. For the rising sophomores, try to pick a program that costs substantially less than Holy Cross—that way, the College gets to pocket the difference, and spend your money on things that don’t matter to you.  The College will appreciate your generous gift, even if nobody ever acknowledges it.

When the time comes to leave,  make sure to see your friends one last time; there’s no guarantee that you’ll be the same person after your study abroad experience. One fun activity you can do with your friends is to book your trips ahead of time. Say you’re studying in Ireland—well, Dublin Airport is just a convenient bus ride away! It’s so easy that every weekend you can just book a new trip to somewhere around Europe. Why spend time in your host country when the Lennon Wall in Prague is all the rage right now?

Once you’ve reached your destination, the next thing to do is post about it on social media.   People need to know everything about your experience, from the food you eat to the funny way that people talk. Now the difficult part of this guide is the “studying” part. I mean, who studies abroad for the coursework!? Every class is optional. Professors don’t care about some dime-a-dozen American student anyway, so why connect with an abroad professor in the first place?   Skip that boring Roman art course. You’ll learn more by grabbing an espresso at that cute little hole in the wall downtown.

The best part about studying abroad is exploring your host country, so you should save it until the last week you’re there.  Your home country will always be there for you. If you’re only studying abroad for a semester, this suggestion still applies because you’re never going to have the same freedom to explore again. You’re there to learn something new! You’ll learn about your host culture at some point, what’s more important is to make sure your Airbnb for Oktoberfest is still valid. Explore a different part of Europe every single weekend you can. Why rest or stay in the local area?  You can do that in America, or during the week. Have some fun and take advantage of cheap airlines. That non-touristy photo of Amsterdam isn’t going to snap itself.

The Americans you meet in Europe will become some of the closest friends you’ll ever make. Who cares that you’ll never see them again? They’re here skipping class with you too. Everyone needs a partner in crime and only other American students get that. Now, you can always bring your new bestie to clubs and organizations at your school, but what is the point in that? You’ve got so much time to go to meetings, you’ve got to go out with them on the town and make them a staple in your Insta posts. The locals will understand.

If you follow these tips, your time abroad will truly change you as a person. You’ll find yourself more cultured, more intellectual, and you have a better grasp on the socioeconomics of the world today. You might have some regrets in the end, for example, never making it to all the cafes in your host city or even spending time with your international friends. It’s not possible to do everything in a year and that includes exploring your own country. It’s just not possible and anyone telling you that you need to spend more time ‘learning about the culture of the country you’re studying in’ just doesn’t get it. At the end of the day though, this was a monumental step forward in your life. At some point you may get the chance to do it again, and this time, maybe you’ll be able to get a better angle on that Tower of Pisa picture.